| dang. |
[11 Oct 2008|06:22pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
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music |
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Metric |
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So its been a couple months? haha.
Everything is going ok i suppose..just working all the time
so i can find it possible to pay off this damn credit card
and pay my monthly bills without going deprived of spending
money. At times i feel like im about to sink..but it all
surpasses in the end.
Went to California in August..ruled..saw mom and old friends
and had a good time. Still adjusting to it being a "visit" and
not a place i call "home anymore" ..yup..still living in STL.
I suppose thats ok for now, not forever. Its ok for now, im
going to start working on the basement, a area anyway, from
now on to make a cozy little spot for myself. I start school
in January and im too deep in bills to move out on my own
or even with a roomate right now, so this is what i have to
do if i dont want to move back in with mom. I miss her..but
California isn't right for me right now. So i just deal.
Jessica is getting freaking married! What the fuuuck!
So insane..seems just like yesterday me and her were lonely
and feeding off eachother as a crutch. haha..this is blowing
my mind entirely. Im so happy for her..really..and im so happy
to be in the wedding, last time i was in one of those i was
like 5 and it was my moms..lame.
Me and Stephen are still together..four months ago yesterday.
Seems like four years..whatever..ill take it. HAHA No..hes
awesome, my best friend. He's on tour right now and i miss
the piss out of that brat but he'll be home soon enough.
I think im onto something.
I dont wanna speak too soon.
anyway..life is life..no one updates anymore..
including myself.
hurry and come home.
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[22 Jul 2008|12:42am] |
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mood |
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groggy |
] |
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music |
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Sinking Ships |
] |
my life lately.
can't complain.
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| sucka sucka now. |
[11 Jun 2008|02:24pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
] |
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music |
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Lil' Wayne - Milli |
] |
I keep forgetting i have this account, I never
write in here..ever. Things for the most part
have been the same, there was a period where
EVERYTHING was completely turned upside down.
Me and Justin got back together for a little bit, like
a month or so..everything was okay. It's always what
I wanted it felt like..but in the end..it wasn't.
No matter how much I tried to close, it wasn't close enough
and I would always feel as if I loved him more than he was
capable of loving me...so I let go.
Im fine..completely..I don't care. I can finally close this
chapter of my life with confidence and move forward and look
ahead. Its crazy how much i've changed and realized myself the
second I gave myself a chance.
Im currently working 2 jobs and just running around like a mad woman
without a second to myself. HAHA. It's just complete insanity.
I am dating this guy Stephen, he is basically everything I've always
been looking for..and he came at a very unexpected time.
He has goals, he's talented, he's musically involved and treats me the
way I could only hope for. Im lucky..you have no idea.
At the end of the month, me and a bunch of friends are taking a trip
to KC to see Have Heart, and Verse. I AM SO EXCITED, jesus, I'm gonna
poop my pants.
oh, stephen.
<3
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| haha |
[03 Mar 2008|10:00pm] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
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music |
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Fresh Prince |
] |
Wow, i haven't updated in forever man, thats insane.
Im living in St. Louis and doing well. I work at
St. Louis Bread Company, aka Panera Bread everywhere else.
I like to call it STLBC though, makes me feel like a gangster.
I like it here, alot. But there is just so much un-needed or
wanted drama that i haven't had to deal with since i was like..
in middle school? A bunch of girls thinking they are something
special, and guys who think their nuts compare to the size of the planets.
Its comical, whatever. I try to stay out of everything, im an
old fart now, and i dont get amusement out of wanting to break a 17
year olds jaw. Its just...not cool these days? Whatever. Over it.
I've been straight edge for..7 months now? It feels epic.
I love having this much control and not having a cloud over
my head about my life. I will never break, i love this life style.
I miss my mom a whole lot. She comes out here the 29th.
Its going to be so weird not living with her, but i guess its time
to get out you know? I'll be 20. So its not like its too soon or anything.
Im fine..im doing really well for myself. Certain things havent changed
however. About certain situations. Im trying my best to do good by them
though. Everything is still so different..and im trying to roll with
the punches the best way i can.
i still read everyones journals time to time.
glad to see everyones okay.
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| Same ol' |
[05 Nov 2007|11:11am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
Me and Jessica have been in the fucking DUMPS lately
dude haha like it is so sad the luck we are having.
Halloween was a complete disaster, my friend got
jumped for no fucking reason, spent my night in the
E.R with the dude. Jessica has been getting sick and me
im just falling behind in school because my mind is
a fucking scatter box right now.
Im trying not to miss justin, it just sucks because this
was so much worse then Chris because I was younger when
I was with him...this was more serious. Im doing better
than i thought, but im still all shitty. What helps is
being out with friends and hearing my mom talk about
what an asshole and shmuck he is haha. I just miss him..
late at night..when im in bed by myself. Ugh, im good though.
I might be leaving next month and just have my mom take my
shit with her and head out to Saint LOUISSSSSSSSSSS! Go back
to work at Sams Club and save some money and then just go
to Cali with my Lila. :]
who knows.
im going somewhere though, i need off this rock!
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[14 Oct 2007|08:59am] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
Its getting better, ive been keeping myself
occupied and running a muck. Me and Jess have
been together alot lately, it feels good, but
we went out last night and some shit went down.
We went to a show and this kid was getting kicked
out and pushed jess up against the counter and
elbowed her in the arm or something. Mind you, Jess
is 5'7 and weighs about 110, shes fucking fragile
and this kid just rocked her world. So later on
we see the kid and ask him to apologize and he
totally blows her off, that isn't good enough for
me so i FLIP SHIT and call him a "pussy" and "fuck
face" in front of everyone. And anyone who knows
me i hate the P word and it just came out unknowingly.
HAHAHA! Well..Jesse, her boyfriend, chases him down
it causes a huge scene, me and her get into a fight
and the Tulk side of me comes out and its not pretty.
I guess everything is okay now, but still..i almost
lost my cool last night with her, and im glad i didnt
because i would never want to, i was just sticking
up for her, and where i come from and what i stand
for, you dont do that shit to chicks, sorry asian
asshole.
I met this guy Matt last night, what a cutie.
There was major chemistry.
:] haha noooooooooooo
anyway..im still losing weight, and im happier
these days lately. I miss everyone.
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| before bed. |
[07 Oct 2007|11:04pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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I set my friends on fire - Crank Dat |
] |
I've been keeping myself busy, not like its hard or anything since
I never have time for myself anymore to just sit down, breathe, and
scratch my ass. You know..I never thought i'de let myself get wrapped
up in another person after i was hurt by Chris so badly, and im so
dissapointed in myself, but this was completely different. I am almost
20 years old and I really thought something would have came out of this
relationship. I gave my 100%, i put every ounce of heart and effort
I possibly could and it still wasn't enough and it just makes me feel
as if I always fail. I just wanted this so bad, and once again, it was
taken away from me and I had no control over it.
I think this time, i am going to take a stand and honestly not settle
for relationships or feelings towards another person anymore. Why for?
So this shit can happen ALL THE TIME? This is the worst feeling ever.
I hate losing, i hate putting in worthless effort and feelings.
I do want to thank him, making me feel so disgusted that i lost 15lbs
and i can go on decent shopping spree's. Some kind of positive.
Oh..and im moving back to California.Its definite..we leave Feb/March.
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| exhaustion |
[27 Sep 2007|04:36pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
So on Tuesday night i went to go see BRAND NEW! I met up with Alex
and Kaycee and others and we had a blast. Most of you don't even know
but i met the lead singer, what a beautiful man, really.
Well the show went well, amazing actually, and i went home right after
because i had to be at work at 4am. Well on the way home i started getting
pains in my arm but didn't think anything of it. I get home, shower and
then it starts to hurt to breathe and i start getting sharp pains in my arm.
Im laying there like "holy shit, im having a heart attack." ...........
Justin calls me as im getting ready to go to the hospital, calling me a liar
and how im "not even sick" ..whatever, suck it. anyways.
I went to the E.R and right when i get there, theyre being weird saying "oh
the most common heart problems with young people is related with drugs" hahaha.
IM FUCKING STRAIGHT EDGE. IM HAVING A HEART ATTACK. They take all these tests
and finally they truely didnt believe me so i took a blood test, boy didnt they
feel dumb. So they said i had a muscle spasm went terribly wrong. They gave me
morphine, which i have to say ROCKS, and i was loopy the rest of the morning.
They said if my pain continues then more then likely, i have a blood clot in my
lung.
so lets all pray?
Im gonna call Mariah Carey and asked her what she did when she was hospitalized for
exhaustion, because thats whats going down over here.
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| why dont you understand |
[10 Sep 2007|01:36pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.
Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these
so I sat alone and waited out the night.
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around.
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[25 Aug 2007|07:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 uncomfortable |
] |
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music |
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Gwen |
] |
Waking up to find another day
the moon got lost again last night.
But now the sun has finally had its say
i guess I feel alright.
But it hurts when I think, when I let it sink in
it's all over me..
I'm lying here in the dark
im watching you sleep, it hurts a lot.
And all I know is, you've got to give me everything..
Nothing less cause, you know I give you all of me
I give you everything that I am
im handin' over everything that I've got.
Cause I wanna have a really true love
don't ever wanna have to go and give you up.
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
and I want to make it worth the fight .
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right.
All I wanted was to know I'm safe
don't want to lose the love I've found.
Remember when you said that you would change
don't let me down, it's not fair how you are.
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
And all I know is, you got to give me everything
and nothing less cause
you know I give you all of me.
oh by the way, wait until i put up the video of Gwen.
FUCKING AMAZING! ugh. im sad its over..haha
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| LE PELVIC THRIZZUST! |
[23 Aug 2007|12:49pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
GWEN STEFANI TOMORROW!!!!
sucka my junk. haha
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| a long time coming, haha |
[16 Aug 2007|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
] |
Well, i start college on Monday and im so stoked. I can't believe
i got my lazy ass up and did something. I don't know how its going
to go with me working, i hope it doesn't interfere THAT bad, because
i need a grand to ship my car to California, come January. My car
payments start up again in March and i want to go on a major vacation
this Christmas with Justin, so im gonna have to do ALOT of saving.
:[
Things are good with us, i miss him to pieces.
Gwen Stefani concert is next Friday..im seriously so ecstatic..UGH!
anyways..im going to bed, i have to be at work at 4am.
i hope everyones good.
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| Frick yes |
[05 Aug 2007|08:48pm] |
Almost forgot, Jesse bought me and Jessica front row tickets
to Gwen Stefani on the 24th of August. And Dez's friends' dad works
bouncer and we're getting backstage.
lucky bitch i be.
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| its been a long time.. |
[11 Jun 2007|08:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
its been forever since i've posted in here, things have been crazy and i don't really
ever get a chance to get on the computer other than to check my myspace real quick.
Justin moved here on the 16th of May, and everything is going well. We both had a job
at the school and school got out on Thursday last week and i just got a job at Starbucks
in Kaneohe. :T If ANYONE knows me they know i love my coffee, so im stoked about that.
Ive been getting really into cooking, and i must say i pretty much fucking rock at it, wouldn't
mind going to school for it sometime in my future. Speaking of which, i decided i want
to go to school for, and i always knew i wanted to go for something art-related so i decided
im gonna go to W.C.C and major in photography. By winter break, Justin should be stationed
and i can transfer into something more serious or a better school with more options.
Which brings me, he leaves on the 9th of July for boot camp.
I've been reading everyones journals, sorry if im not commenting but sometimes i dont
feel like it :]
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| pillow talk |
[14 May 2007|10:31pm] |
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mood |
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listless |
] |
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music |
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Crazy/Beautiful |
] |
I should be trying to get to sleep right now, but i needed to get
this off my head and put it down somewhere. Justin moves here
in 2 days and i have to say that im nervous. I just never thought
this would be happening, especially with him. Don't get me wrong, i
am SO excited but i just hope this bonds and doesn't breake us. I have
a feeling this is going to work out for the best, and i do think this is what
we need right now. This is the most serious role i ever had a part in a
relationship..i just hope it works out. I know alot is going to have to
change, but i hope it doesn't change too much.
Work is over soon, the kids get out on the 7th and then its me looking
for a new job. Jessica said she can get me a job at Starbucks, not too bad.
My friend situation is better, things are looking up. But i do miss Delilah more
than ever. Just times like these i need my best friend around, im proud of her..
she graduates soon : ] just wish she was here to tell me "keep your head, and
do what makes you happy" and call me a "fuckin LA LOOSER" or something.
time for bed..hope all is well, everyone.
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| :] |
[10 May 2007|08:13am] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
6 days until he arrives, stoked.
until then, i have my bed and friends to myself.
oooh oooh.
RYAN COMES HOME ON THE 19TH!
clap hands.
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| stuff. |
[06 May 2007|07:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
Justin moves in, in 10 days.
Me and mom bought bedding for my room, its really cute. Mostly red, and white
and i got a black frame to start doing my photography.
I went drinking all weekend, im so mature..haha
Im gonna go for a walk with Grace, i haven't seen her in like a month
and i truely miss her, she leaves me soon. :(
im not looking forward to this week, i pray for the speed.
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| the sun becomes her hair grease |
[04 May 2007|03:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
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drained |
] |
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music |
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Metric - Love is a place |
] |
What’s holding up her face?
Nothing but blue skies, passage ways to windows
that don’t close.
Where do you live?
Love is a place..
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| eh |
[25 Apr 2007|10:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 discontent |
] |
This distance is getting unbearable..
we need to fix this, and fast.
oh and i dont know you people know, but Shanna Moakler and Travis B.
are BACK TOGETHER!!!!!!!!! You truely do not know the EXTENT on how
HAPPY that makes me. They are PERFECT TOGETHER.
jesus, that made my year.
meet the barkers season 3
::Crosses fingers::
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| loveith |
[25 Apr 2007|09:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
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music |
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Between the trees - White lines and red lights |
] |
Late night, driving home together
and at red lights we press our lips together.
And we're holding tight now..
slow it down now.
Let's take our time , let the moment last
until it feels right, holding back.
And not getting to carried away..
let the music fade.
Cause you are the brightest star
and im in love with who you are.
We are in each others arms , just like a movie scene
cause as we're leaning in
the light decides to turn green.
Me and you together, this is getting better
just butterflies won't do.
I don't want just red lights, I want more of these nights
cause baby I love you.
You and me is what matters most
it's not the intimacy that brings me closer to you...
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tarnished__star's journal
